aliens abducting aliens

clumsycardhouse:

And learned how to properly do heart transplants. And created antibiotics, curing polio and thousands of other illnesses that would kill you. And created ways to preserve food without using excess salt, both saving millions of people from starvation and infection. And created a communications network that allows anyone and everyone on the planet to access all the information on the planet at anytime (even from a phone, so you’re never ever cut off from learning ever). And cured cancer. And violence on a worldwide scale is the lowest it’s been in recorded history.

This is why I don’t tumblr often, it seems to largely be things taken out of context so people can comment on horrible things are with a humorous gif.

Realize that you’re living in the pinnacle of human civilization right now. It’s not perfect, but it’s the best it has ever been and it’s getting better. Always. 

Also, stop complaining about stupid people. Stupid people can get smarter and you need to stop being an asshole about it.

Imagine this.

You’re nine years old, it’s your birthday and you have all your friends over. “Perfect” is almost the best way to describe your day. Almost. It’d be perfect if it weren’t for Jeffy, the kid your mom invited out of pity. Mom doesn’t realize there’s a reason no one likes Jeffy. He smells like cat litter and peanut butter. He eats paste (not just in art class, he takes the paste with him as if it’s a Hunt’s Snack Pack). His nose picking is anything but private. He prefers Mega Blocks over Lego (and not because his family buys them because they’re cheaper, he actually prefers that shit). The list is long enough to damn a child to being an outcast till at least Sophomore year. These are the only things you and everyone at the party knows about Jeffy.

Shit, I think he’s eating sand right now. Is he? Yeah, he’s putting sand in his mouth. You don’t even own a sandbox, where did he get that sand? That’s not the point. No one here knows anything about Jeffy and everyone is happy about not knowing anything about Jeffy.

Your anguish soon disappears as you realize it’s time to open presents. You receive almost everything you wanted this year (except that Video Game Console. Seriously, you already own one, do you really need the other?). All in all, it’s a good birthday.

Enter: Jeffy. He gives you his present. The first thing you do is open the card (just like your mom insisted). You open the envelope to find the scariest birthday card you’ve ever seen. On its cover there’s a photograph of a man against a black sky. He looks disheveled and tired. Almost as if he spent the past few days awake, binging on Crystal Meth. He does not look happy, in fact he looks a bit angry about his situation. Could this get scarier? The answer is yes. The text on the cover proudly states in all of its Caps-Locked glory “I’D NEVER FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY”. Suddenly the distress of the junkie seems like it’s less about not wanting to be there and more about his stalker-y determination. That tormented constipated look doesn’t translate to “I’m upset because I ran out of Meth”, his look means “I have watched you through a telescope every night while you brush your teeth”. You don’t have the heart to even open the card.

Jeffy, what the FUCK?

This is the only card you open that your mom doesn’t remind you to thank the giver for. Even she is confused and appalled, hoping it’s a joke.

—-

Remember those commercials from 10 years ago that said that by buying drugs, you’d be funding terrorism? We need those with advertisements telling people that by buying from Urban Outfitters and Chick-Fil-A, they’re directly funding Anti-Gay Groups.

I’m not saying boycott them because they do this, I’m saying boycott them because they’re hurting humanity by these actions and my money isn’t going towards that. It’s not responsible to boycott them, it’s being a decent human being.

If I post something that gets reblogged a bunch, I hope it’s this. I don’t want my Tumblr legacy being “He named Link ‘Scrotum’ in Zelda, haha!”

Pizza and Coke Zero. Life is good.